At-Home Mom Feels Unfulfilled

Q:  I feel guilty because I'm dissatisfied with my role as a mother. I stay home because I don't want my kids in day care, but I miss my job, my colleagues and my paycheck. Full-time mothering overwhelms me on a daily basis, and some days I just blow up. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. These sweet children deserve better. What should I do?

A: Motherhood can shake up a woman's self-esteem. You're expected to know just how to handle child rearing but you don't, and besides that, you're feeling unfulfilled. Every mom performs repetitious and sometimes degrading tasks and suffers from fatigue and frustration. Parenthood is a 24-hour job with no paychecks or promotions. If your children have behavior problems, learning difficulties or other handicaps--when they fall far short of your own or society's expectations--your confidence can really plummet.

Give Yourself A Break
When your self-esteem falls, how do you behave? Do you yell, throw, spank, cry, complain, overeat, clam up or give up? Afterward, what do you do to pull yourself back together? Can you take a long bath, go for a walk, call a friend, buy yourself a gift, pray, take a nap or read? Whatever works, do it. You have to take care of yourself or you won't be around to take care of your children.

Try to plan some things you can you do regularly so you won't burn out. For some it helps to take a parenting class. Most moms and dads start out with few skills, little knowledge and zero experience; attending a class with other parents or reading books about parenting may help.

Other moms need to read or take classes on subjects unrelated to being a parent. One mom might prefer a watercolor class, another piano lessons or lessons on how to write romance novels. For some, returning to work part-time is the answer. A weekly commitment to take a break from the kids, regular exercise and a schedule that doesn't overextend you and your children will all contribute to your well-being.

A Mother's Perks
Academy Awards or salary bonuses aren't given to parents, but the rewards do come, when a child learns to read, ride a bike and finally say "please" and "thank you." It's important to keep an eye out for the little gems that only you can cherish. I know a little boy who told his mom, "I want to buy you a ring because you're such a good mommy." She drove him to Kmart to purchase a $1.75 ring, which she wears proudly.

You may not feel honored by such a gesture, but your true reward will come when you realize you've raised responsible children with solid self-esteem. Doing this means you have to take time to develop and nurture your own sense of self.

Jan Faull, a child-development and behavior specialist, is the author of the recently published UNPLUGGING POWER STRUGGLES as well as MOMMY! I HAVE TO GO POTTY!, a guide to toilet training. Faull lives with her husband and three children in Renton, Washington.  This column originally  appeared on family.go.com.