The decision to become and remain a stay-at-home mom is, for many parents, not really a decision at all. It’s something they just always assumed would happen. But other parents struggle with that choice. Here are some reasons why moms may be reluctant to trade a career for full-time motherhood. (Dads, if you are the one who wants to stay home, these apply to you, too.)

Becoming dependent on your spouse. Earning your own paycheck gives you a sense of independence and freedom. Having to count on your spouse for money may bring on uncomfortable feelings of dependence. Loss of income. "We can’t make it on one salary alone." Wasted education. If you struggled through 4-plus years of college, graduate school or even post-secondary training, you may feel that you wasted those years if you stay home to be a full-time parent. After all, it doesn’t take a college degree to change diapers. Loss of self. You may be afraid that you’ll find yourself defined as "Sarah’s mom" and "Ken’s wife," losing yourself in the process. Loss of belonging. If all your friends and neighbors are working during the day, you’ll feel alone. You’ll get left behind professionally. If you leave your career for several years while your children are young, you won’t be able to step back into your old job. You’ll fail. You fear that you aren’t really cut out to be a full-time parent. Lost in the laundry. I used to wonder what stay-at-homes *did* all day. Now I know. I never sit down and always feel I’m on the go and never feel anything gets accomplished. But, hey, I felt like that when I was working!

Now let’s look at these fears from a different perspective. Becoming dependent on your spouse. Kathi Jordan of Cary says, "This is a blessing. He depends on you to make a comfortable home for the family. You enjoy fulfilling this obligation to him. Let him enjoy fulfilling his financial responsibility to the family." Loss of income. Taking a hard look at the numbers, you’ll find that the total income you bring in may not be nearly as high as you thought. Beverly Simpson of Durham was shocked to discover her true wage was less than a dollar an hour. Next time we’ll show you how to map out those dollars and specific ways to help your family live happily on one income. But for now, agree with your husband that you want to make that commitment. Wasted education. An education is never a waste. You will use what you learned in more ways than you can ever know. My biology degree helped me tremendously when I needed to understand my son’s multiple handicaps. I could speak with his doctors and therapists intelligently, search through arcane medical journals and web sites, and use words like "polydactyly" to describe my Woody’s hands and feet! And when my 5-year-old wants to know how his body works, I know exactly what I’m talking about. Loss of self. Find outlets for yourself that have nothing to do with being a mom or wife. Take a pottery class, volunteer at the hospital, join a committee at church. Mary Adams of Raleigh finds great pleasure in her monthly book club meetings. "We talk about everything but kids!" she laughed. Loss of belonging. You’re in luck! You have an automatic membership in The Mommy Club. Hook up with another at-home mom and she’ll be happy to show you the secret handshake. There are organized groups like La Leche, MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers), and Mothers and More. Or, go to any playground in town around 10 in the morning and you’ll find more babies and toddlers than you can shake a rattle at. Sally Austin of Durham found the companionship of other at-home moms invaluable. You’ll get left behind professionally. Mary Ellen Stevens of Raleigh offers these suggestions: "Stay active in your professional associations. Take the classes necessary to retain your credentials, if possible. Offer your talents to non-profits as a volunteer to keep up with changing technologies. Have lunch with colleagues once a month or so to maintain those contacts. Or remain open to the possibility that, when your children are older and you want to return to the workforce, you might want to try something different." You’ll fail. Accept that you will not be a perfect parent. This is an on-the-job training position. And no matter how many times you goof, no matter how many mistakes you make, your child will still love you and will never fire you, at least not without two-week’s notice. The first child is the practice kid, anyway. Have more. You’ll get better at it.

Being an at-home parent is a life transition. It doesn’t last forever. Think of it as a temporary adjustment for a lifetime of positive payback!

Submitted by Julia Haskett, NC